How my first panic attack was a blessing in disguise.
First of all, I really mean it, I really think that my first panic attack and the subsequent big anxiety “crisis” moments I have experienced were all blessings in disguise, and I am not saying this because I want you to feel better so you can keep reading my blog, but because I think that through those experiences, I’ve learned a great deal about who I am and what my needs are. In a way, I think I’ve experienced a midlife crisis, but 15 years in advance.
In my head, the way I see a midlife crisis happening is a guy (I don’t know why it’s a bold guy) who wakes up one day and thinks:
“Shit, what am I doing, why am I working crazy hours for a job I don’t really even like and have I missed out all the important things in life ??!!”
And then the guy quit his job and set up a Kale Farm in California. This is what in short this was for me, except the Kale farm part. I’ve experienced a panic attack because at that time I was working quite a lot, in a challenging environment. But honestly the pressure didn’t all come from my job or the environment, I was also – actually most importantly – putting so much pressure on myself to perform like a crazy badass because I wanted to be a strong woman who can do it all and can show the word she can do it – or just to please people so she can be loved, who knows? – and totally ignoring my body (“a body, what is that, what is it for? A vehicule to dance Zumba?”) and the stress I was imposing it.
So I had this attack then another one, and then I thought;
“ Shit what I am doing, why am I working crazy hours for a job edit [that I really like]. Am I missing the important things in life?”
And here it was THE midlife crisis. By the way, the edit is important because I thought that if I loved what I do then I won’t be having a midlife crisis, and I can exhaust my body with stress because: I love my job! Well, guess what? Your body doesn’t care if you love or not your job, it will still feel exhausted.
After those attacks, I took it easy, for a while, at work, tried to relieve a bit the pressure on myself, made a conscious effort to “not care so much about my job” and worked with a psychotherapist on understanding the reason for being so worried about doing well at work. But also I took it easy on myself on other aspects of life. I used to run around everywhere from party to party from weekend trips to weekend trips and from crazy deadlines to crazy deadlines. And now… well, I still do that to some extent BUT I try to remember what’s really important after all and suspense… it’s not my job or the party I attend! It’s my health, my friends (the real ones, not the house party ones), and I try to be better at focusing on that #selfcare.
Thank you panic attack for making me realizing this.
Okay, but what if your anxiety or panic attack isn’t caused by jour job? Well, the broader point here is that whether it is your job that triggered your anxiety or a terrorist attack (it also happened that it was a big source of anxiety for me), or your family or something else. Something triggered it. Your anxiety or panic attack is an alarm system. Of course, it went a bit loco and dramatic at some point because clearly working a lot shouldn’t normally cause you to faint in panic, but it is still alarming you of something.
Some psychologists strongly believe that anxiety is an expression of other negative emotions you’ve felt towards something that you brushed off under the rug; you are ignoring an obvious problem, don’t address upsetting events because you are scared of upsetting someone. So, stop pretending everything is going great in your life, despite your anxiety, and find the hidden problem or hidden emotions you are sweeping under the rug. If you’re lucky, the “triggers” will be something obvious and conscious that you can find e.g. anxious while being at work, being around family etc. Some of the time it won’t be so obvious to you (say: you get in a panic state when you get into the kitchen because you believe that a mutant mouse will give you Leprosis) and it will take more time to find out the real cause of the trigger, but you can get there with the help of a good psychotherapist (see my post about the anxiety toolkit). Once you found the cause, express those feelings and try solving those problems (e.g. switch to a less stressful job), while also adjusting your broking alarm system with your therapist.
So listen to your anxiety and enjoy your early midlife crisis.
25 & Anxious 
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